Fuck You Too Tuesday

Yeah, I know, I’m terribly original with my titles.  Shut it.  Just be glad I’m back.  Assuming you’ve noticed I’m back.

 

I should have actually titled this ‘Darwin Award Tuesday’, but that title didn’t have the word ‘fuck’ in it anywhere, so I didn’t bother.

 

So there’s this lady that died in California on Saturday.  Having never met the poor retard, I can only assume that she was suicidal.  I say this because, in all my years of drinking (and yes, when I was a youth, I may have even operated a motor vehicle under the influence – don’t worry, I cleaned my act up) I have never, ever, accidentally driven a vehicle into a river.  I say accidentally because – um, never mind.  We’ll just leave it at that.

 

So, in conclusion, this fuckwit died from one of the following:

 

• Too drunk to breath.  This is possible, in fact.
• Too stupid to drive and talk at the same time – which is very similar to walking and chewing bubble gum.
• Her daughter wanted her dead, and realized how drunk/stupid mom was, so she talked to her like a GPS and steered her right into the river, thereby getting all of moms money.
• Her vehicle became sentient due to a meteorite passing too closely to the Earth and decided that talking on your cell while driving drunk was the final straw, so it pulled a quick murder/suicide by locking its doors and driving to the bottom of a river.  I strongly hope this was the actual truth.

 

So in conclusion, class, what have we learned today?  What is today’s moral?  Well, let’s stick with something simple, like “don’t be a douche”, okay?  Moreover, if you insist on douchey behaviour, be more like this moron and kill yourself without harming innocent bystanders.  Please.

 

Darwin would be so proud!