Come close. Gather 'round. I'm here to help, but I can only help if you listen. Here's what you need to know when it comes to getting in, riding on, and getting out of elevators.
Boarding:
If you're waiting, like everyone, else to get on the elevator, stand just slightly to one side. Do NOT stand directly in front of the doors. I don't know what posses people to do this, but for fucks sake, how am I supposed to get out of the bloody thing if you're standing there? Yet every time I have need to use one, there you people are, like Elevator Zombies, crowding the door, clamoring to get in. It won't leave without you, I promise. Wait for everyone IN the elevator to EXIT the elevator, then calmly enter.
Riding:
Once inside the elevator, press the required button, stand quietly and wait for your floor. Don't try to talk to me, don't try and use your cellphone, don't sneeze/burp/fart/cough or make any other unsavory noises. Just. Stand. Still. No one in the elevator with you wants to hear about why you're there. We don't care.
Exiting:
Now, if someone tries to come in the elevator as you're trying to get out, run them the fuck over. They deserve it, and remember, they aren't human, they're Elevator Zombies. Straight arm the pricks right in the nose, then kick 'em in the guts while they're laying on the ground bleeding. Step over the body with your belongings and proceed wherever it is that you're going. And remember, we don't care where that is!
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