Made in China

*Note: I started writing this the day the recall was issued.  Extenuating circumstances (i.e., work, life, hockey, beer) kept it from being finished until now.  Get over it already.


Which is exactly what you would think when you hear a headline like “McDonald’s Recall: Shrek Glasses Contain Toxic Metal Cadmium”.  I mean really, who other than China would be so malicious as to poison children with Shrek collectables?  Well it looks like China caught a break this time, as the glasses in question were actually made in the good ol’ U.S. of A., by a company called Arc International, whose headquarters are in Arques, France.

I have a theory.

Now, if you bothered to read that article, you may have noticed the side effects of long-term exposure to cadmium “can cause bone softening and severe kidney problems”.  Let’s think about that for a minute.  Bone softening.  And obviously, the people affected by this purchased these glasses at McDonalds, so we can speculate that perhaps they don’t have the healthiest lifestyles.  So, what better way to debilitate a plus sized nation than this? 

Stay with me here.

The Bush administration practically bankrupts the entire nation looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction and hunting Bin Laden.  Obama comes into power and spends even more bailing out big business.  Then he puts in universal healthcare so poor people can go to the doctor too, to the tune of about $1,000,000,000,000.00 – that’s a fuckload of zeros. 

Right about now you’re saying “yo, X, where’s the fucking conspiracy already?”

To which I would say, “shut the hell up, I had to set the stage – pricks”.

So now the U.S. is tapped out worse than me, and owes most of their debt to China and Japan.  China is just waiting for them to default on some payments so they can come claim their new country.  This is where the French come in.  Remember back when the U.S. went to war and demanded their allies join them, and France was all “meh, go feck yersefs” and the Yanks were all “oh yeah?  We’re going to change the name of French Fries – now we’ll call them Freedom Fries!  Take that, Frenchie!” and France was like “wha?  Are you fecking high, jous dumb ass?” (and shut it already, I know my French accent is terrible, you needn't rub it in, that just makes you rude and pretentious - or worse, French).  You don't think that France was just a teensy bit pissed?  Do you know how hard it is to piss off a French person?   (FYI, it's not very hard).  So they came up with a plan: produce glasses containing cadmium and sell them at McDonald's.  Pure evil, really.  


"But X, how the hell is that evil?  They made cheap product and sold it at McDonald's - big surprise!"


Ah, but you're missing the very, very evil undercurrent of this.  They made a cheap product that causes BONE SOFTENING and had it sold at fucking MacDonald's!  Where the fat people eat!   Evil genius, I tell you!  With Universal Health Care coming in, the American Government will be on the hook for trillions in medical bills, as previously overweight people suddenly become immobile due to their skeletal structures becoming jelly-like, unable to work, or even move for that matter.  It's evil genius at it's finest, even a Bond villain would be looking on in awe at a plot of this magnitude.


Hats off to you France.  You win this round.